Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
