Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
