you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
