They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
