dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dear god my vagina.
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