someone threw a dead crab at me
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
