i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
