I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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