I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
