I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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