she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
