sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
