If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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