i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
