and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
