from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
