Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
