You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
