some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
