I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
