it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
