he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
