OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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