did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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