I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
