Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
