Sorry, I don't speak sober.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
