I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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