We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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