i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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