My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
