He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Last time i carry you out of a forest
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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