I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
