I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
