I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
They are going to name an STD after you.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
