Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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