Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
