Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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