cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
