BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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