During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
