how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
