If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Found the puke drawer
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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