good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
