Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
