Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
