Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
