before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
