I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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