I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
